Do people not realize how traumatizing it would be to see your mommy kissing Santa Claus?

I've spent a lot of time lately, perhaps too much time, thinking about that classic Christmas diddy I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. By 'thinking about it' I don't mean it's been stuck in my head and I've been humming it around the office, I mean I've actually been analytically deconstructing the lyrics and considering the moral and psychological implications of a child witnessing his whorey mother making out with Kris Kringle. I'm talking particularly about the Jackson Five version in which the little boy exclaims at the beginning of the song "Wow, Mommy's kissing Santa Claus!" and he goes on to relay a story about how he accidentally stumbled upon his mom cheating on his dad with Saint Nick who apparently moon lights as a home wrecker under the guise of delivering presents while dad is out and to cover his tracks, he cums comes down the chimney instead of coming through the front door. What an amazing cover. How many divorces could have been avoided if the boyfriend would have just thought of coming in through the chimney?

The strange thing about the song is that the kid thinks it would have been funny if his dad would have caught his mom kissing Santa. Right. The reality is that Santa or not, Dad would have first kicked the shit out of Father Christmas and then would have climbed up onto the roof and blown the heads off all the reindeer with his Remington semi-automatic. It would have been the end of Christmas just because some floozy MILF couldn't resist a fat old elf who drives a sleigh and plays with elves. I don't think the kid actually realizes the concept of adultery but then how many kids can go to school after Christmas vacation and say his parents are getting a divorce because his mom messed around with Santa? Or, on the flip side, how many kids get beat up on the playground for trying to convince everyone that his mom kissed Kris Kringle? - which is exactly what I think is happening at the end of the song when the kid is so adamant about what he saw ... he's being slowly backed against the wall on the playground where some bigger kids are going to teach him what it is to lie about his mom being Santa Claus' ho ho ho.

Worse, Mom doesn't only kiss Santa Claus but the whore tickles Santa under his beard and likely gives him a bit of nookie behind the Christmas tree. The real question is ... how long has this been going on? For how many years has Mommy been meeting Santa under the mistletoe and how many children have gone without presents because Santa has been caught up in some steamy Christmas affair? And how does Daddy even know that the kid is even his and not Santa Claus'? And how many other moms is Santa banging on the side?

Mommy, Daddy, Santa and the kid all need to go on Maury Povich and get a paternity test done to see who the real father is. How shitty would it be for the kid to find out that all of these years - while he's been living a normal life - that he's the son of Saint Nick? And then when it becomes public on national television and Daddy is humiliated because for all of these years his wife has been messing around with a myth, how will the kid ever get passed that and not have severe holiday anxiety? Not so much a myth when Santa was giving Mommy the old candy cane between the stockings. It's like a late night version of that Tim Allen movie: only it's written by Quentin Tarantino and Danny DeVito plays a really pissed off and sexually frustrated elf.

Really, I think there's a future version of the song that finds the kid laying on a psychiatrist's sofa talking about how he thought he saw his mom kissing Santa Claus but what really was happening was that his dad was away on business far too much and his mom got super horny so she went down to the corner and seduced the Salvation Army Santa whose real name was Lou and he has recurring nightmares about Santa porking his mom on Christmas Eve while the sound of reindeer hooves bang against the ceiling in tune with Lou Santa's thrusts. That's the real spirit of Christmas.