UPDATED: A second series of emails from the ex-girlfriend who is pissed off that she still hasn't been included in the 'Women I Love.'

So, a while back, I got an email from an ex-girlfriend who felt like she was being done an injustice. I wrote a post about the emails that she was sending me and she wasn't very happy about that. It's been almost three years since I saw her last, almost as long since we've spoken (aside from the emails I posted) and still she believes I have some kind of obligation to say "how high?" and she says "jump." Is there a universal clause in the break-up contract that gives ex-girlfriends residual rights? Here's the email she sent me:

To: cj.koster.esq@gmail.com
From: --
Date: Friday, March 5, 2010
Subject: still nothing? seriously!?!?!

dear c.j.

how are you doing? are you still in korea? it's been a really long time! i hope you are still enjoying life there. i heard something about an earthquake, is everything ok? i'm engaged now and going to get married next year so everything is really great for me but planning a wedding is really hard work. are you seeing anyone now? i still read your blog every once and awile and still haven't seen anything about me in your women i love thing. i almost feel like it's a slap in the face considering everything we went thru together. i guess it didn't mean as much to you as it did to me. i still think about it every now and then. hopefully you'll write something soon. i'd really love to see it. like i said, i hope you're doing ok. time flys when you're having fun i guess and out seeing the world. maybe you just forgot about me. oh well anyway i hope you have a great day. drop me a line sometime. take care.

Seriously? wtf? If there's a high horse market somewhere out there, someone please tell me where I can find it. I always wanted to be able to climb up on one!

UPDATED: My reply ...

To: --
From: cj.koster.esq@gmail.com
Date: Monday, March 9, 2010
Subject: Re: still nothing? seriously!?!?!

Hey --,

Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was out this weekend getting engaged myself. It's only like the seventh time ... it feels like forever since I've had a good engagement.

But hey, congrats on yours. Did he give you the ring right up front or did you have to email him a couple times to get him to do it? Were you like, "Hey, it's me, I'm sorry to do this to you but you know, after our engagement last night and you not giving me a ring, I thought I'd send you this quick little note to remind you that if you don't give me a ring, then we're not really engaged. Sorry, that's just how I roll." If not, you can use that. I'm sure he'll get the picture.

Also, yes, I'm still in Korea. At least until October.

I haven't really been thinking about you much (or at all) since the last time you wrote me about the blog. That might be why I haven't written about you. It's not that I don't have anything to say -- in fact, after these emails I'm sure I could come up with something. Would you like to write it yourself and just send it to me and I'll post it? It might get posted a lot quicker that way. But remember, I reserve the right to edit out words like "love", "trust", "coitus" and replace them with words that you might not like. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just think we should just be honest.

Anyway, congrats again, really -- and I hope (for his sake) he did give you a ring when he proposed.

Take care,

C.J.

Women I Love: Mystery Woman #1, 22/365

the tips of my fingers touch your chin,

run down like droplets of water,

to the base of your neck.

when you smile,

there is a warmth that beams from your

eyes, like rays of sunshine,

like kindness running through the air,

you are the time, the weather, the past and the future,

you are with me.

and i am nothing without you.

Do you think if I was a major league soccer champion that I would ever be in exile on this burg? Puuuulease!

I'm shopping for ketchup at the E-Mart (which is basically the exact same as Wal-Mart except that the floors aren't concrete and the redneck atmosphere is replaced by hardcore kamikaze kimchi consumers) and this little boy comes over to me.

Kid: something-something-something quietly in Korean.

me: (in Korean) What did you say?

Kid: (in Korean) I see you on TV.

me: What?

Kid: (in Korean) Will you play soccer with me?

me: Where is your mother?

Kid: Rooney! Rooney! Rooney!

The kid's mother grabs him by the back of the neck and starts scolding him big time and the kid starts yammering away and pointing at me while the mother looks at me all scrutinizingly and I'm standing there holding a bottle of ketchup.

Mother: (in Korean) He thinks you are Wayne Rooney.

I look at the kid.

Mother: (in Korean) Are you Wayne Rooney?

me: I ...

Kid: Rooney! Rooney!

me: I'm not Wayne Rooney.

Mother: (in broken English) But your face is like the Wayne Rooney!

me: But I'm not Wayne Rooney. I can barely throw a ball let alone kick one.

Mother: (looking at me inquisitively) You no Wayne Rooney why your face look like Wayne Rooney?

me: Natural selection?

Kid: Rooney!

Mother: Can I tell my son you are Wayne Rooney?

me: But I'm not!

Mother: (speaks to the kid in Korean) Yes, the man is Wayne Rooney!

The kid grabs my hand and bounces around and the mother looks pleased that her son has met an idol while I'm still just wanting to cash out with my single bottle of ketchup.

Mother: (smiling) Thank you. (bows)

me: (as they're walking away) You could at least pay for my ketchup!

James Cameron, eat your stinkin' heart out!

James Cameron sucks. And I rock.

He's got one Oscar nomination for best director but I've got nominations in five categories in the Canadian Weblog Awards including Ex-Pat, Best Written, Humor, Life, and People's Choice, which will be open to public vote from December 1-31, 2010.

Last week, the amazing Schmutzie asked me to do an interview for the CWA's website and it's now been posted for your perusal. In the interview I cover things like the time I ate rabbit poop for $20, why Hemingway should have been a blogger, my life as a perfectionist, my blogging philosophy, my love for Harvey's hamburgers, three bits of advice for aspiring bloggers and I also declare my infinite love for Jenny the Bloggess, who was kind enough to leave a comment on the post of my interview to say she loves me just as much. There might be something going on. But I don't kiss a Bloggess and tell.

Women I Love: Duchess, 21/365

She sits across from me,

hands folded over Her daschund -

eyes wide, lips pursed:

Her's, not the daschund's;

in a war of words so violent that Napoleon,

a man of tastes similar to Hers

slips out for a smoke break

& Hitler

says he'll go along but all he smokes are lugers ...

i give in to the urge to bite my tongue

-- instead of Hers --

but She isn't so courteous to the cause

and She accuses me,

by leaning forward,

over her daschund,

which squirms a bit but barely notices,

of,

of. all. things. -

of sucking dick

for bus fare

and then walking;

of being sexually abused by a manatee,

of having wit so un-witty that She must, must, must scribble it down in an imaginary note book so that She can remember the impotence of the jewels that i muster

and to top it all off,

of having a penis so small that a dust mite would giggle at it -

and then what can i say?

how do i, a minuscule mite of mouthful malice,

retort such a rhino of a recipe?

i can't.

so i just laugh.

because, really - that's all She wants me to do.